never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
