can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
This is the high leading the old right now
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hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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