You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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