It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
