I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
