ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
