I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
