I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
