i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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