pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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