I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
