she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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