Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
