Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
