Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
