youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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