how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
