Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I intend to get homeless drunk
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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