Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
