I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
