He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
