The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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