Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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