is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Be still, my beating vagina.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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