where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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