Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Its about making memories worth repressing
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
