We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
