I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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