First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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