i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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