Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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