there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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