I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
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