my vag is so smooth its legendary
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
