spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
