We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
