We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
