We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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