i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
