I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
