if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
