we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
