I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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