When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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