So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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