Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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