my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
