Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
