Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The best revenge is premature balding
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
