I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
