wakey wakey hands off snakey
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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