you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
