mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
