I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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