i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
