true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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