My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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