Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
