WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
